What I think was hard for me as I was re-evaluating my book [I Kissed Dating Goodbye] is I was starting to get all this criticism for purity culture, and I was kind of like, well, what's the alternative? Like I really didn't know, and the only thing that I can come to is — and again, not that I'm necessarily here, but if a person is saying, OK, we're Christians, we want the Bible to inform us, and so on — the only thing that I can come to is to say these standards are still good and they're for human flourishing, but we're not going to fixate on them and make such a big deal of them. We're going to be more accepting of the fact that shit's going to happen, people are going to screw each other. Like, let's just move on. Let's move forward and love each other."Let's just move on." Move on to what? Let's take a moment to remember against what the purity culture was reacting. It was reacting against the sexual revolution and its fallout. It was reacting against promiscuity, teen pregnancy, high divorce rates, normalization of all kinds of sexual immorality, and all the problems and diseases associated with these things. It was a call to live pure lives in an impure world. Did some within the purity culture take things too far? Yes. Has there been negative fallout from their extreme ideas? Without a doubt. Does the church need to re-evaluate her policies in light of its fallen leaders, sexual abuse allegations, and broken lives that came as a result of these extremes? Definitely.
But when it comes to re-evaluation, the church needs to practice wisdom. It's popular now to bash purity culture, but we need to remember the underlying sexual ethic that was the driving force of the movement. It is this sexual ethic that I remember most, and I still believe it is the best way for us to move forward. This is what I learned:
1. Sex is a good gift from God.
Sex was always presented as God's gift. God made all things good, and when finished his creative work, he said it was "very good." God made man male and female, and sex is part of his design. It is therefore good. Our loving heavenly Father gave us this gift for our joy and satisfaction. Husbands and wives were to rejoice and delight in this good gift (Proverbs 5:18-19).
2. God's design for sex is the best way.
Like all good things, sex can be abused. When it is not used according to God's intention, sex can cause great harm. It causes harm when it becomes an idol, when it is done outside of the marriage relationship, or when it is not between a man and woman in that committed relationship. The illustration I always heard was that sex is like a fire. When a fire is in a fireplace, it provides warmth, comfort, and delight to those enjoying it. But take it out of the fireplace and put in the middle of the living room, now you have a situation that could end in the destruction of the whole house. Sex outside the context of marriage between a man and a woman is destructive. But sex according to God's design will bring the most joy.
I understand that this can be misconstrued to teach a kind of "sexual prosperity gospel", i.e., if I just keep myself pure, then everything will be rosy, and I will have the best marriage ever. But I never learned it that way. I don't deny that it was sometimes portrayed in that way, but I was never taught to think that things like infertility, dysfunction, and other sex-related medical and psychological issues would never take place. We live in a fallen world, and disease and dysfunction are realities of this fallen world. We ought not to conclude that such things happen because those affected by them are somehow guilty. We incur God's displeasure when we treat such sufferers as Job's friends treated him. But this does not negate the basic premise that sex done in God's way brings the most joy. It is joy amidst the hardships of a fallen world, but a joy that can be obtained nonetheless. God does bless those who walk according to his ways.
3. Sex is only for marriage.
Note that I didn't say sex is only for procreation. I never learned that in any of the talks I attended. I was taught that men and women were not like the animals. They were created in God's image, so to confine sex to only the use of procreation was to ignore the fact that they were created also to enjoy what God created. I did, however, learn that sex is only for marriage. This point naturally flows out of point number two above. God created man male and female and blessed them and told them to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28). Furthermore, when Eve was presented to Adam, he said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of man" (Genesis 2:23). This statement underscores for us that only marriage can provide the special bond between a man and a woman in which sex functions best as a means of the propagation of the human race and as an act of love and joy between two people committed to a life together.
4. Sex is only for a man and a woman.
Homosexuality didn't have quite the press that it does today when I was learning about purity. We were probably naive to think that the subversive culture of sexual deviancy would not become so mainstream as it has today. Nevertheless, we did learn that marriage and sex were to be between men and women. Homosexuality was not God's design. I hasten to add, however, that I was never taught to hate people who practice such things. I never learned from any talks about purity that Christians can mock, belittle, or dehumanize anyone who was gay or lesbian. If I had learned that, it would've been from classmates at my public high school. I know of two men who came out as gay after high school was over, but they never admitted it during high school because they were ruthlessly teased and bullied. I was friends with both of them in high school because I was taught to be kind and stand up for those who are bullied.
5. Boys and girls need to dress modestly.
People have made the claim several times now that purity culture taught boys to objectify girls, and that girls are to cover-up because it's their fault if a boy lusts after them. This claim has always baffled me. I can't recall a time when I was taught to objectify women. I can specifically recall being taught NOT to objectify women but to treat them with respect. Boys were to stay away from pornography and to not follow Hollywood and our culture in objectifying women. We were also taught that lust was a two-way street and that boys ought to have regard for their sisters in Christ and girls were to have regard for their brothers in Christ and to not purposefully make themselves objects of lust no matter how good it might make them feel. Never once did I learn that modesty meant that girls had to wear denim jumpers or cover up so much as to be uncomfortable because, well, boys are lust machines and you don't want them to lust, do you? I was taught that lust came from my own heart and that I needed to commit myself to pure ways of thinking and seeing. We were never given an absolute standard as to what modest dress looked like, but I think we had a pretty good idea as to what it did NOT look like (and, to be honest, I think most of you do too).
6. Boys and girls need to guard their hearts before they're ready to commit to marriage.
This is just common sense. One thing that I don't miss about high school was the drama of hooking up and breaking up. Guys and girls got together for a time, some even messed around, and when the inevitable break-up came, we all knew of it because the emotional whirlwind of the fallout was felt throughout the corridors of Hinckley/Finlayson High. But those who proclaimed the purity culture to us spoke to us of the biblical wisdom of not stirring up or awakening love until it so pleases (Song of Solomon 3:5). Even Elvis knew the truth of this when he sang, "Wise men say only fools rush in." I can also remember specific times, too, when boys were taught that they shouldn't be womanizers but rather to be respectful of girls and treat them as fellow image-bearers.
7. Dating ought to be done for the purpose of finding a suitable partner in marriage.
Again, this is just common sense. I was taught to be purposeful in dating. Let me add here that I was an adult before I even heard of Joshua Harris, so I was never taught that dating was evil and that courtship was the only way. But we were taught that there was no such thing as casual sex or that dating was an excuse to be young and to have all the good times you can before you settle down and become serious. Dating was about meeting your potential wife or husband, and there were certain rules we had to abide by such as not having sex and not putting ourselves in situations where we would not be able to overcome temptation. I was also taught to respect my own and the girl's parents. If either of them had certain boundaries in place, it was best to stay within those boundaries. I was also taught that the boy ought to be the one to do the pursuing, and I was even given practical advice on how to do that in a tactful, respectful manner.
8. There is grace and forgiveness for those who disobey God and commit sexual immorality.
This last point shows just how much the purity culture I was immersed in was not a system of legalism. Sexual immorality of any kind was not the unforgivable sin. I heard talks from a number of people who had committed sexual immorality about how they had found forgiveness in Christ and were able to still have a marriage blessed by God. We were taught that, if we fell into sin, we were not condemned to a life of guilt an shame. There was no sin that Jesus was not able to forgive. His atoning death was enough to cover all our sins and that, by his grace, we could be restored to a right fellowship with him. We were taught, too, that those who committed sexual sin could still be welcome in church, so long as they had repented and sought forgiveness. To be sure, we were taught that there could still be temporal consequences to our sins. Girls could get pregnant, boys might have to man up and get married and raise a kid, someone might get AIDS or any other venereal disease, but the temporal consequences would not be indicative of how God actually viewed them in Christ. They were forgiven. They were renewed. They would receive eternal life.
I understand that this was not everyone's experience in the purity culture. I am truly sorry to hear that there are those so jaded by purity culture that they felt the need to escape and not look back. But I write of my own experience in it to show why I can't join with those who feel the need to trash it.
Well, you might object, you grew up in the Reformed faith, so you didn't experience the purity culture of the fundamentalists. It is true, I did grow up in the Reformed faith, but the purity culture I was immersed in came from a variety of backgrounds. I learned it from an evangelical Bible camp, I learned it from youth group functions at Evangelical Free and non-denominational churches, and I learned it from people like Josh McDowell and other evangelical leaders--I had even attended several Promise Keeper rallies. I never read any of Joshua Harris's books nor did I read or attend conferences by Bill Gothard. I was never immersed in the patriarchy movement and it wasn't until I was an adult that I read anything about the patriarchy movement. All of this is to say that, though I am willing to say that there are those who turned a good thing into a system of legalism and oppression, this does not mean we have to put purity culture behind us for good and move on to whatever's next. It is quite clear that for some people whatever's next is just plain old apostacy. Let's practice wisdom and remember not all purity culture was bad. It was based upon a biblical sexual ethic we must all maintain as Christians lest we end up denying the faith altogether.
